I've been accused of being rigid. But let me tell you how flexible the years have made me.
Today I was handed a memo saying that fiction books that are being "weeded" from the shelves are to be thrown out.
Now, I understand that it is essential to remove items that don't circulate, to make room for newer items that keep a library up-to-date. It is the most necessary, and the most hated, reference job in a library. Over the years I have come to see it as a necessary task. However, for the past two or more years, I have been oh-so-carefully taking the identifying marks and stamps off the books and sending them to our Friends of the Library, to be sold at our book sales.
Oh, that made me feel so much better. The books would be going to people who want them, for very little money, the library would be making some much-needed money, and I would not have to throw away weeded books.
Today, I was handed a memo, from the person in administration that, as far as I can tell, is in charge of maintenance and supplies. She conveyed -- not to me, of course, but to the branch manager -- that weeded fiction was to no longer be "recycled" to the book sales, but was to be boxed and sealed, marked "trash" and put in the dumpster. As we used to do. With no acknowledgement that Friends of the Library had been accepting these, the word comes down that it is not acceptable.
My supervisor wisely handed me the memo and left me alone without comment. Because she knew this would hit me hard. I did in fact sit, barely functioning, for about 1/2 hour, trying to process this news.
Then we talked about the details of who would do the heavy work, the boxing and dumping, after I weeded.
Now, as far I as can see, and I say this with some tears in my eyes, that is about as flexible as a human can be expected to be. What it took for me to do that, was to say to myself, not so important. Just do it.
I've learned to do that a lot over the years, when I finally learned the lesson that fighting does not work. Your workplace gets really unpleasant, you maybe get fired, and nothing changes.
So whenever I get the word that I must do something I think is wrong, I mull it over for awhile, and then say to myself, not so important. Just do it.
So I care less, and I die a little more each time. And at some point I will no longer be there, and it won't make any difference at all.
Today was Annual Performance Evaluation Day. For the 4th time in five years, people who know less about my job than I do get to put me in my place.
My place is at the very bottom rung of the library ladder, here known as "Library Assistant I". This year, due to a whole slew of injuries related to age, staff cutbacks resulting in way too much repetitive motion stress, my own inclination to do too much of what needs to be done, and a surgery that wasn't healing with a 37.5 hour work week, add Part Time to the LA I label. In fact, I was urged by my manager to cut to part time, who wanted to promote a far more agreeable employee into my full time position. Afraid for my injuries, but also wanting to do the right thing, I did move down to this lowest salaried position.
Since that time, it's been a tough adjustment, not just financially, which it certainly has been, but because I no longer have time to do the tasks I had done at full time. Add to that the fact that I was bumped from a task that I had been doing for five years, and enjoyed. No one had wanted to do that job when I took the position, but when a friend of the manager became a library volunteer and said he was interested, it went to him. Coming back from my surgery leave I protested, and retrospectively wish I had not.
But to make up for no longer feeling like an essential cog in this workplace that I do love, I get to work early, start the coffee, print the "holds" list for the day, and then box up donations, which I would not have time for during the course of my shortened day. I can't do it all, but it feels good to still have a hand in it.
My customer service hours were reduced after the surgery when the injury began to flare up again. A doctor's note limited the amount of time I was to do the standing, repetitive lifting and sliding movements required at the service desk. But I've been able, when it's not too busy at the desk, to continue to do the "weeding" of the adult book collection. I am the only person there with an advanced degree, 2 1/2 years of training in reference, and immersed and self-educated in all areas of fiction and non-fiction, and in libraries and the flow of circulation. It has always made sense that I would take on this never-ending and difficult task. I muscled my way into it, because no one ever said, "Hey, with all your knowledge and experience, you should be doing this." That is not the way management rolls here. So I do this task, unofficially, which at other branches people with comparable experience get paid twice my wages to do. And I love to do it, so I do it quietly.
So, when evaluation time came around, I knew I was going to get slammed for attitude. It's an annual event. I used to get an attitude about the evaluation, but I've learned that it's just a seasonal spreading of horse manure that I can get through quickly if I just let it happen. It's a four-point scale, top score of four. These days I can even laugh at getting 3.5 for "attendance".
Imagine my surprise, then, when I saw that I received 2.5 for both "Initiative" and "Quantity". Should I come in even earlier? I asked sarcastically. My surpervisor, who tends to feel a little smug about being able to explain my short-comings, said that she had to be brutally honest in analyzing my performance. I am "too rigid" about what tasks I do. Not rigid in the sense of refusing to do tasks I don't like, but rigid in the sense of not liking it when other people do my job.
Oh, and also, I don't work as many desk hours. Now wait a minute: I don't work as many desk hours because I have a disability, and doctor's restrictions to that effect. I cut my hours, income and benefits, because of the disability, you can't be penalizing me on my performance evaluation because of disability related limitations?
No, she said, she wasn't doing that.
And then, being the flexible employee that I am, I let it drop.
Her next comment was, "You completed your annual goals, and I have to say, you are the only one that did."
What could I possibly say? I signed the damned thing and got it over with for another year.
Except here I am, scribbling in the middle of the night, because it hurts my heart to love a job and work so hard at it, and be formally and officially criticized because I don't just do what I am told, and with a smile.
And that's what it comes down to. A server should be servile. If I worked less hard, but had never contradicted or questioned, I'd have that glowing review. But I would be spending a lot more nights awake at 2:00 a.m.
