Help Us Serve You Better

I'm getting asked to take a lot of Customer Satisfaction Surveys these days.  Pretty much anything I do online, from Expedia to eBay to Snapfish, wants me to take a survey.  Not so much about the product, although they do ask cursory questions about whatever you've bought, but about how satisfied you were with the service.

I have decided pretty much without consciously deciding, that I would answer every question regarding my treatment by an employee, by giving the highest score possible.

Because I believe these surveys are a pretense.  I believe the surveys are a means to minimize the things we are most concerned about, like the actual item we have just bought, by allowing us to "give input."  And by asking about our "customer service experience" any problem we have with for example the price of the purchase gets deflected and thus diffused.

I took such a survey after a visit to Lowe's about a year ago.  This was a result of two things:  I wanted to let management know about a very helpful employee, and I went online and attempted to do that.  What I ended up with, instead of the opportunity to actually contact a human and describe my experience, was a survey.  And the questions infuriated me.

See if you recognize any of these "Customer Satisfaction Survey" questions.

Did the staff greet you in a warm and friendly manner?  If you asked about the location of a product, did the employee give you verbal instructions or take you to the product?  Did the employee tell you to have a nice day and come again?

Our own idiot governor here in South Carolina, Nikki Haley, has forced any of the state employees who have the (I think) unhappy job of answering the phone to say, "It's a great day in South Carolina, how can I help you?"  And at the library where I worked we were told to answer the phone with, "Good morning, this is (me) at the ________ Branch, how can I help you?"

I have a lot of problems with all that nonsense.  First of all, if I call you with a question, you don't have to be happy to talk to me, as long as you are attempting to answer the question I'm going to ask you.  You don't have to tell me your name, because that's not relevant to what I've called you about either.  And when you have to give a speech before I can ask my question, I'm either not listening or by the time you're done I'm not going to remember what I called about in the first place.

And for the record, I don't believe for one minute it's a great day in South Carolina, because I know where we stand in education, health care, and income compared to the rest of the country.

To get back to the "Customer Satisfaction Survey," it is appalling enough that we work people harder for less pay and fewer benefits than most other "civilized" countries.  Employers now believe they have the right to force their employees to not only do their work well, but be personable and popular.  All the damned time.

Have a sick child at home because you can't take the day off?  Car broke down on the way to work and your boss is ticked off because you're late?  Just found out your spouse lost his/her job?  Your back aches because you've been standing for 2,3,4 or more hours?

Just keep smiling and acting like the coolest thing in your day is listening to me go on and on and on about some nonsense.  Or asking you stupid questions.  Or complaining about something that you have absolutely nothing to do with.

You'll never get questions like that about your Wall Street banker, or about your Congressman.  Or about the CEO of whatever company actually determines the quality of the goods or services you have purchased.

For that matter, while teachers get rated by everyone from their principal to their students, the principals never have to suffer that indignity, although many certainly should.  As a parent, you can complain about the principal or the superintendent, but neither you nor the teachers that bear the brunt of bad management will be able to take a "Customer Satisfaction Survey" detailing the ways those particular employees have done their jobs. 

If you're my age you'll remember the old airline commercials, from back when those folk working in the aisles were called "stewardesses." With a wink and a smile, the stewardess on that commercial suggested that you -- honestly -- "Fly me!"  Well, we have come full circle, and if you work with customers, forget about dignity and respect.  You are the front line, and you aren't even allowed to defend yourself.

So when I am asked about whether the hotel room was clean enough, or whether I was asked if there was anything else I needed, or if I was told to "Have a nice day," the answer is always yes, and the rating is always the top rating.

Because these people who are out there trying to do their best to for god's sake keep their jobs, they are us.